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February's Carnival of Aros is being hosted by Allos, and the theme is Relationship Anarchy. 

• If there’s a part of the manifesto (here) that speaks to you or that you want to discuss at-depth, feel free to do so.

"Love and respect instead of entitlement

Deciding to not base a relationship on a foundation of entitlement is about respecting others’ independence and self-determination. Your feelings for a person or your history together does not make you entitled to command and control a partner to comply with what is considered normal to do in a relationship. Explore how you can engage without stepping over boundaries and personal beliefs. Rather than looking for compromises in every situation, let loved ones choose paths that keep their integrity intact, without letting this mean a crisis for the relationship. Staying away from entitlement and demands is the only way to be sure that you are in a relationship that is truly mutual. Love is not more “real” when people compromise for each other because it’s part of what’s expected.”

This part of the manifesto really sticks out to me and is why I’ve felt myself shifting towards relationship anarchy. I first read this manifesto maybe 3 or 4 months ago and the idea of a relationship not being about ownership feels so natural yet so foreign at the same time. As far as I can remember, normative romo/sexual relationships have been about owning another person. Owning their space, owning their time, owning their emotional labor...the expectation that all relationships should include suffering because it is difficult to own the entirety of another person. Many people use phrasing such as sharing, or compromising, but it has always seemed thinly veiled to me. 

December's Carnival of Aros is hosted by aspecofstardust, and the theme is Happily Ever After. 

• For this month’s carnival of aros, I want to think about what is your aro “happily ever after” made of? What kind of life do you want to build for yourself? What sorts of challenges do you foresee in creating that?
  

Originally I was not going to write for this theme, as I did not want to attempt answering any of the questions it poses. However, after reading a different blogger's personal tale of her greyromanticism and her ability to translate feelings similar to mine in a fairly coherent way, I felt like I should at least try with this theme. 

A large part of my greyro identity is that romance is okay, no better and no worse. Regardless of whether I'm currently attracted to someone or not, romantic activities and relationships are not an actual goal of mine. I wouldn't mind one, and have actually pursued them in the past, but overall do not make a point to include them in my life. I neither plan to have nor don't plan to have romantic relationships in my future. It is Schrödinger's Ever After. 

Some Activism Should Not be Invisible

This month's Carnival of Aces is being hosted by Siggy over at the Asexual Agenda blog, and the theme is Invisible Activism. 

• Even if activism is ultimately intended to promote visibility, some of the underlying work is not visible.  What does that invisible labor look like?
• Is there any form of activism that you think has largely been invisible?

Much of the activism work I do is visible - whether it be public speaking, writing about personal experiences, or simply being present and active in the community, I have felt obligated to maintain a public presence and be a visible activist. Part of this is because I want to, and I have the skills to do so, but it would be remiss to not discuss how I feel pressured to do so. The aro and ace communities are heavily white, and as a Black aroace I feel both internal and external pressure to play the role of the one Black aspec. The external pressure maybe isn't as bad as the internal, as I've met a fair amount of ace and aro activists who don't even notice the lack of people of color at the table. 

For the activists who do notice this lack, I think the term "invisible activism" would be accurate in describing what they do to resolve it. Efforts to find more people of color to join their efforts are rarely or barely public. It's instead discussed behind the scenes, or in a space with other established activists, rather than where POC might hear it and feel 1) encouraged by the efforts being put forth by white activists and 2) encouraged to reach out and provide their insight and perspective. As someone who is already involved in ace and aro activism, I am used to people encouraging me specifically to do more things because of my position as a POC, but I am one person with one perspective, and cannot provide all of the diverse insight that this community needs. This is both because my perspective is limited, because POC is an umbrella term that includes a lot of people, and because I am literally one person. The insular nature of current ace and aro activism means has shown me that there are very few POC currently involved, and very few are joining.