cinnamon_possum | May Carnival of Aces (Reply)

What's in a Microlabel?

This month's carnival is hosted by Bring on the Pigeons, and the theme is Words and Conceptualizations.

When you say you’re ace, what do you mean? What experiences are you describing?
How did you decide which the specific words/labels to use? What do they do for you?
Are there labels that you “count” as by strict definition that you don’t actually identify with? Why don’t you use those words? What don’t they do for you?

I've identified as some version of aroace for nearly 8 years now, and for much of that time I was switching between various microlabels and position on the aro- and ace- spectrums*. Most of my label hopping was not really due to a change in experience. It was due to me simply connecting to a lot of the microlabels that are out there, and finding various uses for a lot of them. Instead of going through the probably dozen aspec labels I have used, I will center this piece over the ones that I use the most today, and have used the most for the past few years.

As a heads up, I discuss romantic and sexual attraction (or lack thereof) alongside each other, as my experience with these attractions are very similar, and I consider myself to have one romosexual orientation rather than separate romantic and sexual orientations.

AroAce

There was a short time in which I refused to call myself aroace due to an idea circulating some communities at that time that aro-spec and ace-spec people could not use the term "aroace", with the logic being that "aroace" equaled "zero attraction". This is still a discussion that happens with "aroace", "aro", and "ace", and something that I complain about often (here's one example). The summary of my problem with these semantics is that separating "aromantic" from the aro-spectrum and "asexual" from the ace-spectrum ignores the ways in which people may fluctuate between zero attraction and attraction, or experience zero attraction alongside non-zero desire, etc. My own baseline is aroace. The majority of the time, I feel zero attraction, zero desire, and am romance- and sex-repulsed. Even when that changes, and I feel attraction or desire, or am favorable, I still cannot relate to alloromantics or allosexuals because of how isolated those moments are for me (I will elaborate below). My experience is not defined by the attraction or desire that I do feel, its overwhelmingly defined by the attraction and desire that I do not feel, so aroace is sensible shorthand for me.

Gray

I often use grayromantic, graysexual, and gray-aroace to further elaborate on my experiences. When I was first searching for microlabels, I stumbled across Queenie's Greyromanticism 301, and this part was incredibly useful for me:

– Romantic attraction as pointless. Experiencing motivation to have romantic relationships independently of romantic attraction or not at all. Being romantically attracted to people but not wanting to do anything with that feeling. Romantic attraction having little to no bearing on the relationships you form. Rather than saying, “I don’t know if I’m experiencing romantic attraction or not,” asking, “Does it matter if I’m experiencing romantic attraction or not?”

And this has applied to both romantic and sexual attraction for me. Attraction and desire do not necessarily link up. Attraction will sometimes be so slight, or come and go so quickly, that I'm not even spurred to consider if I want to do anything about it. Desire will sometimes happen if it seems logical or convenient, and seems like a good idea in theory, even when there's no attraction present.

Demi

While I have consistently used gray and aroace for several years now, demi is a label that I have a very on-and-off relationship with. I find it most useful to communicate to non-ace and non-aro people what my experiences and preferences are. Most people do not have very thorough understandings of gray or aroace identities. There was a point several years ago in which I had to explain to a well-informed and kind queer person that yes, I can still recognize when someone is aesthetically pleasing, and no, that does not mean that I want to sleep with them. Very recently, I had a friend that was appalled to discover that another ace friend of theirs had slept with a certain amount of people, and that their reasoning for it was that they "got bored sometimes". These things make sense and are simple to those who have made it past the 101 (or heck, even to the end of the 101) on aro and ace identities, but most people do not seem to be at that point. Demiromantic and demisexual have fairly concise definitions - experiencing attraction after a bond has formed - and is the easiest way for me to communicate to people that I am aroace that may experience attraction. While demi is useful for me, and in several instances I have matched its usual definition to a T, it doesn't feel like it necessarily encapsulates what I want it to.

I don't believe any orientation label can fully encapsulate one's experience, because the human language is limited and nuances get in the way. With demi, I feel like there is a pressure or expectation to fully "switch" to alloromanticism or allosexuality once attraction begins. I'm sure this is the case for some demi's, who feel they get pretty clsoe to the alloromantic or allosexual experience with certain people, but this is not the case for me. I still have a fair amount of repulsion to many romantic and sexual activities. My attraction is never strong enough to align with how some people discuss crushes, and its never strong enough to make me ignore practicalities like some people do when experiencing attraction. At most, my attraction is a drizzle, rather than a downpour or even a steady rain, so a label like gray feels more accurate even when it is not most useful or convenient.

Conclusion

I wanted to end with a note that, while label hopping can be really stressful for some people, and not having a permanent label or one that works well can be equally as stressful, that this is not always the case. When I have tried to have discussions around some of my experiences in the past, too many people have tried to jump in offering me various terms and various definitions, and "well if you're x then you y", and "it sounds like you could be z". First of all, do you really think I don't know how to read a glossary or 101 post on Tumblr? I know what these words mean, and I know more words than most people. Don't offer me advice when I don't ask for it and don't tell me what words actually mean. Second, as I previously mentioned, the human language is a living thing, that does a lot more than simply exist on dictionary pages. Words have nuanced meanings and even then, cannot capture the entire breadth of something as diverse or as vibrant as a sexuality. I know this, believe this, and am okay with this. I do not want a perfect label, I do not want to create a new label, as I am more than happy with the labels that I have available and the communities that I have access to through them. Fluctuating orientations or "difficult" orientations to describe do not need to be pitied and do not need to be suffered through. Whether one well-known label or 12 obscure labels describe your orientation best, your orientation is still a beautiful thing worth having and respecting.

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*I will never use the word "spectra". This is a petty decision.